Cry

Recall I was on duty on Saturday, was crying in office on and off. Luckily noone was sitting around me, so noone actually saw me cry. I cried on Saturday night after you left, painful kinda cry, that kinda cry that makes my face cringe and red. It was the really painful kind of cry, as if the world was coming to an end, as if there was no tmrw. I really didn't know how I was going to live my tmrw at that point of time. Everything in the house reminds me of you... every single item... every action I do... I couldn't help it. So I ended up crying the entire night...

I stopped crying on Sunday. Went out lunch and dinner with friends i hadn't met in a long time. I was glad that I overcame it so soon. I was very surprised that all it took was only a night to get over this trauma. I thought that was it for me and I thought I will never cry again.

When reading your mail, I cried again. The tears just started flowing down, naturally... This cry now is different from that of Saturday. It is peaceful, it is transquil, it is peaceful... it is not painful... crying and tearing non-stop. For some reasons, I want to make myself cry, voluntarily. Making myself listen to Kelly Clarkson's 'because of you' and am releasing my emotions now. I do not believe why I recovered fast and why I stopped crying... and I do not understand why... This is not me. Hence the need to make myself listening to such songs, indulge in alcohol and allow my emotions to flow. Or maybe I'm guilty abt not being able to cry, or stop crying so soon. You dun have to be worried abt tht. I believe the day when I'm really strong and recovered, I would not cry to anymore.

You said we do have something together, telepathic or some sort. Not sure if it's just there, or it's cos we've been together long enough that causes it there. But either way, I'm proud and glad of that.

Now that you said you feel better hearing that I'm ok, I feel guilty, somehow. I feel guilty about having recovered so quickly. I dunno if I have indeed recovered, in fact I really doubt it. Maybe there's other things occupying my mind that diverted my attention? Only at such lonely and drunk moments that I begin to let my real emotions flow? I dunno... I really dunno... but I feel good crying now... I am enjoying it in fact. it's different from the cry on Saturday. That was painful kinda cry, but the cry now, is just tears flowing down very smoothly... feel very gd...

You said sometimes you dunno if you understand me. Well, I dun wanna care about what you think abt me now... even though I knw I wud still care... I do not want you to care about what I think of you now... now that we're no longer together, I am not expecting anything from u now, just hoping nature will take its course, for the better or for worse. I want you to knw, that you have no obligations to me anymore, you are free to roam your life from now. I do not want to be the reason why you can't sleep at night; I do not want to be the reason why you stay up at night just to wait to chat with me; I do not want to be the reason why you want to come back to sg; I do not want to be the reason why you want to excel in whatever you do; I do not want to be any of your reasons to do anything!! You lead your life now, not me, i want you to be very clear on this.

I am sure our relationship has evolved beyond BGR. I am sure our relationship is at a stage where noone else can compare. And thank you for being my knight. I truly appreciate that, and I will treasure that, and memory of that. I know deep in my heart, that no matter what happens, you will not lie to me, betray me, hurt me and I know you are the only one in this world whom I can trust whole heartedly. And I know I can never find a second in this world. You are second-to-none. I mean it when I say that. Really.

Although I am a firm believer of 'what goes aroundd, comes aroundd', I never really believe in �ֻء�But this time, I am quite sure we did have something in our previous lives, that made our lives crissing and crossing now.

I may still share ur joy and experiences. Even though I will not share your life as your gf any longer, I believe our minds will still be connected at some levels as before, that your future wife/gf will be jealous of. I am more than willing to share your everything as your friend, your best of friends, which I am very sure noone else could, vice versa for me.

I know u have lots to tell me... and I'm always here to listen to your stories. Long emails? Any time!! It'd be best if u cud start a blog or sth. So that many others will be able to share your joy and experiences eh? ;)

Right, the red wine is spinning my head now...

Lots of love,
Princess Ruby